找对象为什么总喜欢前任那一款?

找对象为什么总喜欢前任那一款？

大西洋月刊 | 研究

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在恋爱生活中，你是否有过这样的感觉：似乎总是喜欢前任那一类型的？或者说，总是被某种特定类型的人所吸引？比如，当我们看到一个与前任具有相似特质的人时，无论是外貌还是性格，那份熟悉的感觉使我们更容易被吸引。但这并非意味着我们仍然留恋前任，而是由于他们所体现出的某种“类型”符合了我们内心深处的期望。那么，如何理解这种所谓的“类型”？我们还能摆脱前任的“阴影”吗？一起来读今天的文章。

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The notion of a “type”—a combination of physical, psychological, or other traits we’re repeatedly drawn to in a partner—feels entrenched in American culture. But it’s certainly not celebrated. Rather, “type” is often described as a vice, a pattern we fall into but shouldn’t. Cycling through versions of the same human template in one’s dating life, after all, sounds pretty futile.

Evidently, many people have narratives about their own romantic preferences. But I wanted to know whether a “type” really does tend to guide our dating decisions—and, if it does, whether that truly is such a bad thing. Obviously, it’s unhealthy if you’re using it to stereotype, or to fetishize people’s physical qualities. But I thought there might be a way to reconcile being open-minded in who you date with recognizing that you respond for a reason to certain values or personality traits. So I spoke with some psychologists.

They told me that type is real, but maybe not in the way you think. It’s not a random collection of attributes that magically compel you; on the contrary, it could have roots you can trace clearly to the formative relationships of your past.

There do tend to be similarities among the people we date. In one set of 2017 studies, for instance, researchers found that subjects’ past partners were similar on measures including attractiveness, IQ, and educational aspirations. (That held true whether the relationship was casual or serious.) Another study in 2019 studied participants’ former and current partners, and found consistencies in the “Big Five” personality traits: agreeableness, conscientiousness, extraversion, neuroticism, and openness to experience.

But this phenomenon can be explained, at least partly, by demographic stratification: We’re more likely to meet and spend time with people who are near us, and the people near us are likely to share certain characteristics. Elite-college students tend to date their classmates; astrophysicists might disproportionately pair up with other scientists. Scholars have found that even beyond physical proximity, we’re still more likely to date people who are similar to us. They call this depressing finding “assortative mating”: People tend to couple up with those who match them on factors such as educational background and income.

Usually, when we talk about type, we’re implying a set of clear, specific, and personal tastes. But people’s stated preferences don’t always match their real ones. And studies suggest that when it comes down to it, the traits people end up valuing in actual relationships are pretty basic, and remarkably consistent across cultures: kindness, intelligence, physical attractiveness.

And yet, we aren’t all attracted to the same kind, smart, and good-looking people all the time. There might be another reason you go for a certain type, aside from their proximity or similarity to you: They remind you of someone you’ve dated in the past.

Researchers have found that familiarity can increase our attraction to someone. That can happen with exposure to one person over time, but someone might also feel familiar because they’re similar to a person we’ve known before. Brumbaugh found that when someone meets a person who resembles their ex-partner, they tend to feel more anxiously attached to them—more worried about rejection or getting their approval—than they’d typically be with a stranger. But they’re also likely to be less avoidant, meaning they’re more willing to talk and open up.

This might happen even if a new date reminds you of an ex you’d rather forget. Our early relationships create a framework for what romantic connection looks like: what emotions you’ll feel, what behaviors will be appreciated or dismissed, whether you can assume honesty or good intentions. Your repeated attraction to a certain “type,” then, may not be a mysterious connection but rather just psychological comfort. “Having a sense of control and predictability over our world” is hugely important, Brumbaugh told me. Perhaps so much so that it can feel easier to repeat bad patterns than to have our ideas about partners—and love, and relating to others—shattered.

In this sense, “type” is about not just the type of person you gravitate toward but also the type of relationship dynamic you fall into: how you communicate or show affection or trust. Matthew Johnson, a professor who studies couples at the University of Alberta, in Canada, has found that people’s relationships tend to have consistent qualities. “We have kind of prototypical ways of relating to others,” Johnson told me—given that we tend to select similar mates and act in fairly stable ways, “you’re going to get this cocktail of a lot of consistency from one relationship to the next.” And maybe, with repeated exposure, you can even learn how to respond gracefully to the traits you don’t love as much.

That’s not to say you should date the same kind of person over and over again. But perhaps it does mean that the answer isn’t to avoid doing so at all costs, either. What really matters is that you’re aware of the consistencies in whom you choose to partner with; you consider why they might exist, historically; and you’re honest about your own part in it. Whomever you pair up with, your flaws and insecurities will remain, to some degree. In all of your various romantic entanglements, the one absolute constant is you.

声明：原文版权归杂志所有，仅供个人学习交流。

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